Sometimes “it’s ok” is “NOT ok,” ok?! This week’s learning. Wait, hear us out …

raw. open. exposed. come on in

#veryhumanrollercoaster #traumarecovery

have a look at this …. we will explain

photos by Taylor & Marc

Image by Kendall

Aha! New Years resolutions! Faaaan TAS tic tic tick tock tick tick tick

Let me in, I’m here, I’m determined. A few days in but I’m still determined. Kinda. I’m more kinda tired but in the tired there is definitely determination … I think, I’m pretty sure … wait, oh yes, there it is: determined

and a great big wallop of fear. Because how would I even recognise life without fear?

Here’s the crazy thing. So I keep conquering fear and rising up and taking the next bold step (which is more like a shuffle sometimes) and then I pat myself on the back and feel fuelled and fired for a few days and then I self sabotage and bring it all crashing down to an immobilised standstill and I blob there for a while before starting all over again. That’s my pattern.

Only a new year comes round - gotta love a new year - and, in keeping with good company, I begin reflecting. How far I have come. How enormous my growth has been. How amazing my therapy journey is. How much I have learned … and then, this part is the best bit, this week I feel this compelled urge (I get these compelled urges - to do things or look at things or go places or - I call them divine, others might call them loopy…) Am I babbling? Because I do that when I’m nervous. Uh huh, so I get this compelled urge to go look back over past journals. And I pick up a pile of them and randomly grab one and open it and there I am, on EXACTLY this day 2 years ago. (told you, these urges are beyond the bizarre) Anyway, there I am - 5 January 2020. 6 months into intensive therapy. And I am writing about work and projects and things I feel pulled to do and an emerging sense of self and a life I feel is opening up before me and I am both scared but excited and I am wonderfully and powerfully talking myself into stepping into it. Who wouldn’t listen to me? I am so convincing! It’s a magnificent read – I am marvellously inspiring! Only here’s the best part (really, this is it) - I could have written that same journal entry yesterday. Yes yes, there has been enormous growth and yes yes, it has been the most incredible healing journey so far but I am STILL not stepping into my life. Possibility and potential are breathing every breath along with me but I strangle them with my “unworthy” and “undeserving” and the great big S word - ssssshhhhhhh, don’t say it too loud. Just whisper it gently *shame*

Another compelling urge (I’m telling you, they’re a remarkable thing) sends me looking at old photos. And I find these. I have titled them “looking in”, “barriers between me and myself” and “setting sail”

And guess what?

here are the separate pics, by the way (I nervously distract you):

looking in

barriers between me and myself

setting sail

And have you guessed yet? YEP! Snapped on 5 January 2021!!! I kid you not!!! … same day, same theme, 365 days inbetween! Yeah yeah growth, yeah yeah wow! (And no, I am not discounting or discrediting - but that is another conversation for another time).

So 5 January 2020 I am conquering shame and fear and stepping into my new life or potential and possibility.

5 January 2021, I am conquering shame and fear and stepping into my new life or potential and possibility.

5 January 2022, I am conquering shame and fear and stepping into my new life or potential and possibility.

Same thoughts. Same determination. Same self inspiration. Same … Faaaan TAS tic tic tick tock tick tick tick

aaaaaaand 730 days later (but who’s counting …)

730 days

Whole days

Full days

Until

Today

But it doesn’t really matter what today’s thoughts and determination are, does it? In the grand scheme of things. It doesn’t really matter what this moment feels like, does it? Hear me out.

For two years (recorded, it has actually been much longer), I’ve been telling myself it’s ok to feel how I am today. And it is. It really is. Until “it’s ok to feel how I am today” becomes some version of every day and the excuse for never stepping into tomorrow. When “it’s ok to feel how I am today” has become allowing shame and fear and unworthy way too much airtime and “how I am today” has become my shackles, it is no longer ok.

I guess I’m thinking, if we are going to live life then yes, every moment counts but, in living life, we also assume life living – as in, it continues. As in, there will be life again tomorrow.

Or at least I do.

And so living each moment today needs to be fertilising the soil for each moment tomorrow. Today needs to be water for tomorrow’s growth.

Some days that will look like rest.

Some days it will look like curled up on my couch under my blanket trying to allow the tears to flow.

But they can’t be most days. And, no matter what the day, it always needs to be from a place of journey.

Living this moment is exactly that, a moment, lived as part of a grand journey of connected and interwoven moments that are “my living”. And the moment I allow living in the moment to suffocate me, I am no longer living but surviving. There was a time for that and I am grateful I lived it. But that time is no longer now. It is ok to let this moment simply be this moment – as long as it’s simply a part (a moment) and not the whole (life itself).

So I want to live today assuming there will be a tomorrow. I am determined.

Which means today must involve at least one moment of stepping past a barrier and taking a step along the path. Breathing that fresh, new air, and allowing the water to flow.

202_0…

202_1…

Determination can be a slippery thing. I’ll start with one determined breath followed by one determined step.

1+1= _?

202_ []…

Now I’m scared

Walk closely beside me?

Please

I’m determined 😉

Kendall

_______________

How to join: please come in

Many many days we feel alone or lost or just utterly discombobulated (fave word). Other days we feel like we are awash with wisdom or insight or hope. It's a rollercoaster alright!

Probably the most vital thing for us on our journey is that we are not travelling alone. We have the world's most magnificent friends, access to amazing therapy and a whole lot of serendipity of perhaps divine intervention?

I don't know about you, but rollercoasters all alone are no fun. So let's share the ride - the more the merrier, as "they" say (who are "they" anyway? This time "they" are right).

So here's where we share openly and authentically and expose ourselves with all our bits and pieces. At first we wanted to title this section "hanging out the dirty laundry" but then we realised it wasn't dirty, it was just life.

So please, journey with us. Let's hold one another and find encouragement in togetherness as we go Doooooown and UP. Because we always do. Smile

Same as always, follow along, add your own, riff off ours.

If you're feeling brave, post your versions in our comment feed so others can be inspired too. Or upload to your own social media (be sure to use our hashtags - #veryhumanrollercoaster - so we can find each other). Either way, make sure to comment on posts by others and encourage one another as we find new voices.

The only rules are: RESPECT!

See you in there!

Leonora et al​