Today I sat … and it wasn’t wasted

raw. open. exposed. come on in

#veryhumanrollercoaster #traumarecovery

Photo by Maddie

So today has been a day. I guess it’s a good thing - I sat in my sadness and didn’t let it tear me apart.

Go me.

Apparently some days I just need to be a walking (or blobbing or spacey or - take your pick) conduit for my deeply shoved away feelings. The ones I couldn’t handle at the time so they’ve lain dormant for many years. Only they haven’t been dormant, they’ve been quietly gnawing at my self. And … it’s messy. It hurts. I want to go right back to avoiding and running away. Buuuuut I’m trying to heal and I do trust the beautiful therapist and so I do know I need to let them come … these gunky, searing, stench filled feelings …

I’m only just starting to learn the value of this. And by starting I mean I trust the therapist who tells me this is the path to healing but really it just feels like crap. Until I get to the other side of it for a while and it does feel like relief … hmmm, so there’s wisdom in the ache.

And I know this. I do know this. But yeesh it’s an “unpleasant” ride to be on.

I used to view days like today as wasted. So many things to do that didn’t get done. So many should haves that became “would have if it weren’t for …” and I’d get to the end and feel deflated and defeated and disappointed in myself.

But today, for the first time, I’m feeling kind of ____ what? I don’t know. Today wasn’t wasted, today was won.

Today I sat in my sadness and it didn’t tear me apart. A year ago it would have. What growth! Today I noticed my growth. Today I took one step closer to healing. I let pain pass instead of shoving it back down. I allowed the burning ache in my solar plexus to burn and I soothed it with hot water and chocolate (my faves). I allowed my trusty couch to hold me as I sank my soul into its soft. Today I released a tiny fragment of what is holding me captive. Today I used all my tools and I remembered I am safe - something else to celebrate.

And I danced in my living room and got dressed in clothes that said “I’ve got this”. And I went to the food bank and kept the demons of shame at bay and I reached for the extra bag I was being invited to take. And I didn’t shut down and run away in quiet tears when a woman got grumpy at me for something that was bothering her (normally that would be the end of me). And I came home and fed myself the lunch I knew I enjoy and ignored the work beckoning that I knew I could not face. And I accepted the coffee date with a friend before school pick up. And I let myself write and feel. And I allowed nice thoughts to pierce the clouds. And I accepted myself for where I am and today for what is today.

And, instead of reflecting how looooong the path to healing is with my usual tedious groan, today I am focusing on how grateful I am that I get to do this. That I am even on this path - because the world was a whole lot darker when I wasn’t.

I think I’ll give today a title:

accepting the road to healing day 1

Because it feels like a big enough event.

It is truly Day 1 of a new mindset.

And I’m determined there will be a day 2.

Sabotage move aside. Today begins anew

Kendall

_______________

How to join: please come in

Many many days we feel alone or lost or just utterly discombobulated (fave word). Other days we feel like we are awash with wisdom or insight or hope. It's a rollercoaster alright!

Probably the most vital thing for us on our journey is that we are not travelling alone. We have the world's most magnificent friends, access to amazing therapy and a whole lot of serendipity of perhaps divine intervention?

I don't know about you, but rollercoasters all alone are no fun. So let's share the ride - the more the merrier, as "they" say (who are "they" anyway? This time "they" are right).

So here's where we share openly and authentically and expose ourselves with all our bits and pieces. At first we wanted to title this section "hanging out the dirty laundry" but then we realised it wasn't dirty, it was just life.

So please, journey with us. Let's hold one another and find encouragement in togetherness as we go Doooooown and UP. Because we always do. Smile

Same as always, follow along, add your own, riff off ours.

If you're feeling brave, post your versions in our comment feed so others can be inspired too. Or upload to your own social media (be sure to use our hashtags - #veryhumanrollercoaster - so we can find each other). Either way, make sure to comment on posts by others and encourage one another as we find new voices.

The only rules are: RESPECT!

See you in there!

Leonora et al​